She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
