I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
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sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
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I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize