My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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