I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
