Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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