Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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