I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
