Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
