So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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