Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
