I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
