My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
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He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
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Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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