My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
