Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
