The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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