The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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