good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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