I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
