my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
