im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
