I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
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FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
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The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard