I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?