had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
