This is not my ceiling
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
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ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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