Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
