Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
