when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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