Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
