she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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