Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
