Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
