So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
thus making me awesome and them whores
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
