I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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