my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
