Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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