The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
