i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
