Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
