Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
