so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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