Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
