I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
