i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
