just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
