Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Is that strawberry winking at me??
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
