i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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