It was confusing and full of hummus
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
