Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize
