come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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