Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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