I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
