Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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