I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
