Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
