I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
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Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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