I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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