You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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