Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
