I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
