Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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