Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Drunk is a universal language darling
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