Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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