I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
